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To
Dash
"Dash Riprock is the father of every kid in this town!" "Dash
Riprock once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and
it was the "One
time I was with Riprock in the back of a pickup truck, along with
a live "He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!" "His poop is used as currency in Argentina." "He sweats Gatorade" "He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health." "He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!" "I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury." "He sheds his skin once a year." "He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia." "He
did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a
month ago. I "I once saw him eat a whole live chicken." "His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson." "He
sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal
when it came "Dash Riprock was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"
"Dash
Riprock had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At
the "He had a pet cobra named Beverly that he taught to fetch and to dial a phone." "He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road." "He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child." "They found $60 in change in his stomach." "He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie." "He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault." "Riprock
drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for
8 "They
say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to
Riprock
"He once inhaled a seagull." "The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress." "It was the sight of Riprock's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane." "He once had sex with a cigarette machine." "He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident." "He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel." "He once ate the Bible while water skiing." "He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls." "He sired a baseball team... an orchestra if you count the bastards!" "You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!" "He has dandruff the size of mice!" "He jogged with a fridge on his back!" "Dash
Riprock was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And
punched us "His first name is Dash! ....... I'm drunk."
"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen." "He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million." "We
once had a bachelor party for Riprock. He ate the entire cake before
we could "Riprock once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."
"Riprock
once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce
steak. "Riprock's family crest is a picture of a baracuda eating Neil Armstrong." "Riprock ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool." "Did
I ever tell you about the time Riprock was in a production of, 'The
King &
"Riprock named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that." "If
you drop a phonograph needle on Riprock's nipple, it plays the Beach
Boys' "They use Riprock's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium." "Riprock directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels." "All the 'Yes' album covers are Riprock family photos." "He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom." "Did
I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He
did it by "Riprock's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'" "Riprock still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films." "He thinks the Iron Man is gay." "He framed Roger Rabbit."
"He
gave a hand job to a manta ray." "He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!" "Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Dash Riprock showed up
at my daughter's "He's a hell of a salesman!" "Did you know Dash Riprock is the godfather of my son?" "Well,
anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud.
Well,
"I hate Dash Riprock.. but I respect him!" "A
ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and
take a "Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Riprock's groin!" "Riprock used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady." "Best damn snowmobile salesman there ever was!" "He uses Old Spice after shave as nasal spray!" "He fashions graven images from frozen sea water!" "He brushes his teeth with a meat cleaver and rock salt!" "This
one time, Riprock burned a CD with nothing but the sounds of his
bowel "He owns the PAX network." "He
thought "The Princess Diaries" was both "charming"
and "sweet depiction of "He made Styx BITE IT!" "They say he bleeds peppermint vodka."
"The movie "Deliverance" was based on Riprock's experiences as a kindergarden teacher." "His memoirs are tattooed on Ruth Buzzi!" "He's producing Battlefield Earth 2!" "He receives radio messages from Mars on his scrotum!" "His big toe is holding up Australia!" "He took The Blair Witch to his senior prom!" "He makes N'Sync keep Chris!" "He invented 'The Cleveland Steamer'!" "Most
people don't know this, but Dash Riprock has children! This one
time, he was "His pubic hair was woven into the Sir Lankan flag!" "His favorite actor is Greg Kinnear!" "His middle name is Julian!" "He uses live elk for toilet paper!" "His
cover version of Limp Bizkit's "My Way" appeared on the
soundtrack for "Did
I ever tell you boys about the time that Dash Riprock wanted a World
Series "He pisses farm fresh orange juice!" "He makes his grandchildren call him 'The Anal Astrologist'." "His favortie contestant on 'Survivor' was Cap'n Crunch..." "Dash Riprock is a son of a bitch!" "Riprock built the Panama Canal because he got sick of swimming all the way around the tip of South America to get from coast to coast." "Dash can hire ninjas to kill the assassins he hired to kill you. Then he can kill the ninjas with his bare hands. He already did this two years ago, but you just never knew about it." "He jogs the Trail of Tears every morning after breakfast." "Dash Riprock created the beloved character Mary Poppins. She is loosely based on Dash's own life, except his body count was a lot higher." "Sean Connery is the only person to ever beat Riprock in a staring contest." "Earthquakes are really just Riprock bench pressing Los Angeles." "Dash can, with his bare hands, create flawless diamonds the size of golfballs. He is paid roughly $20,000,000.00 USD each year not to do so by DeBeers, SA."
"Riprock challenged everyone in India to an arm-wrestling match. After humiliating that nation's finest arm-wrestling warriors, an Indian holy man placed a curse on him. But when he saved India from a tsunami by delivering a stand-up routine so hilarious that the tsunami shook apart with laughter, the hold man rewarded him with the secret of morphing into an alpaca." "If one were to make a rope out of Dash Riprock's armpit hair, they would soon find that it works, quite effectively, as a lasso of truth. This gives rise to the question: When did Wonder Woman have access to these materials?" "He refuses to eat mushrooms because they are like brothers to him. If you eat a mushroom in his presence, he will stare coldly at you all night." "Several years ago, Riprock removed his own tonsils. Today we know them as Hilary Duff and Lindsey Lohan." "Dash Riprock's voice does not echo. Ever." "The answer to the often posed question: 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?' is equal to the number of times Riprock can successfully ejaculate in one minute." "Dash Riprock owns the last living unicorn, who he named Jake in honor of Jake 'The Snake' Roberts." "Dash Riprock won Ender's Game." "You know that spot between your shoulder blades that you can't reach? Dash Riprock can reach there." "Riprock has been known to make women have orgasms just by growling at them." "In an average room there are 1,242 objects that Dash Riprock can use to kill you, including the room itself." "Dash singlehandedly built the Pyramids at Giza, the temples of Chichen Itza, and the complex of Angkor Wat in 5 days using only an ice-pick and sandpaper." "He created Pokemon when he stubbed his toe on a brick and yelled out 151 nonsensical words in a fit of rage." "There is no I in team. There is an I in Riprock. Fuck you, team." "To maintain his youthful appearance and robust physique, Dash Riprock drinks a quart of marine varnish every day." "Riprock's little toe is considered an aphrodisiac in 12 Asian countries." "He wears a special suit made of fiberglass, cheese, Clerks action figures, and old Rush CD's just to clip his toenails." "Dash considers Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment to be a fine piece of Donkey Kong Country fan-fiction." "All
building that Dash Riprock walks out of explode just a few seconds
after he makes his exit." "He taught Godzilla everything that he knows." "Dash Riprock does not hear the ocean in a sea shell; he hears Mozart's Concerto For Piano #2 in B flat major instead." "The New England Patriots' Superbowl victories all occurred after the real team was replaced by Riprock, disguised as an entire football team." "The part of Dash Riprock is played by Burt Reynolds." "Contrary to popular belief, Dash Riprock is the 'Real San Fransisco Treat'." "Dash Riprock gets high by snorting small Canadian children." "Du hast ihn gefragt, und Dash Riprock hat nichts gesagt." "The original copy of the Bible has the dedication, 'Thanks Dash, couldn't have done it without you - JC'." "He has a part time job shooting birds at the airport." "Dash Riprock is responsible for the rise and fall fo every great civilization." "Avagadro's Number was first thought of by Dash Riprock as an easier way of expressing his rage. The SI unit for this is kL/rage^1." "He wrestles himself when no one is looking." "Dash Riprock invented black; in fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink." "Riprock was originally Lucifer's choice for his second in command, but he scorned the Morningstar and started the In & Out Burger chain instead." "He is not only a man, but also a state of mind and being, only attainable through the consumption of a specific combination of precisely incremented narcotics, transmission fluid, and twinkies. He is the only man who knows the correct combination, and he'd rather impale himself on a rusty pole than tell you." "Dash Riprock sits on erupting volcanos to remove hemorrhoids." "He knows where the beef is." "Dash Riprock's feces are considered currency in 14 countries." "Every time a bell rings, Riprock eats another child." "C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe was initially titled The Lion, The Witch, And Dash Riprock. Lewis changed it because he didn't want to upstage the Bible." "Dash Riprock does not use adverbs; he uses verbjectives." "Riprock's mitochondria use up energy not from ATP, but from the screams of virgins." "Dash Riprock was the one that originally taught that kid from Mighty Ducks 2 the 'Knucklepuck'." "When people get hungry, they go their refrigerators; when Riprock gets hungry, he goes to an orphanage." "Dash has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now? and, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe, he threw the book down and screamed, 'This is BULLSHIT!! They're all wearing shoes!!' He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, 'IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!' The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from; the child began to cry and Dash ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas." "Dash Riprock can divide by zero." "Riprock will dissolve into a pool of green goo if someone ever pronounces the word 'squamous' in front of him; that's why he has repeatedly refused to star in any adaptation of Lovecraft's work." "Dash Riprock can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night." "Dash Riprock once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching a Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his filet o child sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear." "For years, the debate has raged on between botanists and zoologists about whether Riprock is a plant of an animal. As he exhibits many characteristics of both, such as an exoskeleton and the ability to produce his own food, or Riprock-synthesis, he has been catalogued under Kingdom Protista and is thought to be most closely related to plasmodial slime molds."
At parties, he tells people that he is Adam Sandler to pick up chicks." "The famous troll dolls are modeled after the love child born of Riprock and Mariah Carey. DNA analysis has confirmed that the deformities afflicting the infant were not the fault of Riprock, but of Carey, who has only half the number of chromosomes present in a normal human." "He graduated from with honors from the University of Awesome." "It is a well known fact that Dash Riprock plays Dungeons & Dragons, but a lesser known fact is that he plays D&D with Owen Wilson, Kevin Spacey, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Clinton. Jeff Goldblum is the Dungeon Master." "Dash Riprock has not attended school since ripping out his 2nd grade teacher's liver and blinding 3 other students. He did so in a fit of anger, for he could not find the Steve-Irwin-Covered-In-Fire-Ants colored crayon." "He created the PSP from sheer will alone." "Riprock's first set of teeth pulled were removed and put on the ground; together, they are known as 'Stonehenge'." "Dash Riprock has had sex with every Nobel prize winner in physics - all except for Douglas Osheroff (1996 winner). Watch out, Osheroff!" "Dash Riprock enjoys clapping babies together like erasers. He calls it blapping." "In 1663, Riprock beat a notorious pirate captain at cards in the basement of a London pub. When the captain accused him of cheating, Riprock promptly killed him by shooting a stream of fire from his mouth. The resulting blaze destroyed most of London. Dash remained in his seat. When police attempted to arrest him, he punched the nearest officer hard enough to catapault his skull out of the back of his head, which leveled a nearby orphanage it struck." "Riprock can taste GPS signals and therefore can deduce his position anywhere on the earth to within a few feet; however, as he can only taste two channels sequentially, it takes him a long time to get a first fix." "Dash singlehandedly stopped slavery because he knew that one day he would want to hear Back That Ass Up by Juvenile." "Don't turn him into a snake. It never helps." "Dash Riprock paints the M's on M&M's." "Using only a hoe and a glass of water, Dash Riprock once singlehandedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants." "Dash Riprock once caused quite a commotion at a crowded movie theatre when he caught on fire and refused to leave." "Riprock is a popular fragrance of Calvin Klein, used by MI6 secret agents as both irresistable attractant and highly explosive base destroying chemical. It is made from his flatulence." "Rumor has it that even one drop of sweat from his groin is enough to fuel a car for up to 20,000 miles and will allow the car to exceed the speed of sound." "If you cut Riprock in half, two identical Riprocks will grow from the torsos." "He caused the fall of the Berlin Wall by hurling a baseball made from plastic explosives at a Russian gurad post." "Dash
Riprock invented pesticide. Before that, people had to convince
bugs to commit suicide." "Riprock is the sole surviving Spartan of Thermopylae." "Riprock invented the dirty sanchez one dark night in Tangiers, but only after several hundred failed attempts that have left hundreds of Mexican women 'mutilated, but comedically so'." "He chooses the name for each new hurricane by killing a random stranger and checking the person's drivers license; if the name is longer than seven letters or shorter than four, the hurricane is named after one of his illegitimate children." "Dash only wears clothing made from endangered species and lives solely off the meat of baby seals." "When Dash Riprock breaks a mirror, he gets seven years of free game rentals at Blockbuster." "During the battle of Ragnarok, Riprock will swallow the moon." "Dash Riprock domesticated the dog." "Prices increase when he walks down the aisles in Wal-Mart." "Dash Riprock coined the phrase 'Pardon my French' after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people." "The Mayan calendar consists of a cycle 5,125 years long. Its current cycle will end in the year 2012 A.D., when it is prophesied that a 'dark haired, mammoth god-king" will recreate the world as a paradise for a select few righteous survivors. Draw your own conclusions." "Dash Riprock is currently building a time machine that can actively age or de-age most processed meat products. A salsa version will be made available at the start of the next fiscal year." "He is the fifth Ninja Turtle." "As part of his morning routine, Riprock stretches by defeating 20 armed ninjas that jump out of various household appliances." "Dash Riprock actively supports the Whig party." "He once killed a French astronaut with his bare teeth." "If you freeze The Lion King at a certain point, Dash Riprock can clearly be seen taking a shit on Simba's face." "Riprock wrote the foreword in the Millennial hardcover edition of the King James Bible. In it he traces his divine heritage from Moses and dethrones Christ as the Son of God." "He isn't gay just because he fooled around with Darth Vader a couple of times in college." "Dash's freakishly large head controls the tides of the underground oceans of Neptune." "According to Greek mythology, Agamemnon vowed he would smash down the walls of Troy even if it took 40,000 Greeks. However, this was not Agamemnon's original vow. Despite what you may have heard, Agamemnon originally vowed he would only need one man to penetrate Troy's defenses. His plans would soon change when he found out that Dash Riprock left the Greek army to care for a Teletubby he impregnated just a few months earlier." "Dash Riprock killed the Dead Sea." "Riprock regularly outruns the Tokyo bullet train whilst juggling three dumpsters."
"He does not need a TV remote, for he can control an television in a 50 mile radius with his right eye." "Riprock loans some of his body heat to the sun, but not on Sunday." "Once Dash slaughtered 999 ninjas who he thought had insulted his honor. He spared the thousandth ninja, proclaiming that his soul was full of light and that he would one day become the Messiah. Not long after, the ninja was hit by a bus driven by Bob Saget." "Dash Riprock is unaffected by the video from The Ring." "Riprock invented biodiversity in the year 1992 because he thought that 400 species of ants just wasn't good enough." "He records alternate audio commentaries for every DVD he watches; they will be released to the public on the day of reckoning." "Dash Riprock originated the idea of soft-serve ice cream machine that was able to mixing two different flavors. This first twsit cone was not chocolate and vanilla, but pain and glory." "Riprock showers in heavy water on Mondays and Wednesdays liquefied comic strips from the 50's on Tuesdays, and mercury from Thursday through Saturday. He just uses body toothpastes on Sundays." "He downs each meal with a cup full of Tide detergent. It comes out clean and he never has to wipe." "Dash split the atom with a chainsaw." "He owns a Stargate, which he uses to visit Santa, David Hasselhoff, and Ghandi at their secret base in the center of the sun." "The bacteria in Riprock's penis will instantly kill and STD and/or small mammal on contact." "He yawned one morning and deafened all of Asia." "The book Beowulf was based on his life." "He is powerful enough to destroy Samsonite luggage." "Most of Sherlock Holmes' cases were, in fact, solved by Riprock, with much greater use of the backbreaker move than is traditionally given credit. However, Watson sold him out and the fabricated sotries had already gone to press by the time Riprock tracked Watson down to Switzerland, gave him the flying clothesline and threw him off the Reichenbach Falls." "Riprock's skin is pure Kevlar." "He built a satellite from old tin cans and silly putty so that he could get better TV reception in his secret island lair." "CSI: Dash Riprock is expected to contain ten times more violence than his video of the time he raped Medusa." "65 million years ago, God begat Dash Riprock in the form of a fiery meteor that smashed into Earth and created a giant dust storm that led to the Ice Age and the eventual extinction of the dinosaurs. He then proclaimed himself leader of the Animal Kingdom." "He invented hypercolor shirts." "No one can kill him, for a microship sugically implanted into his heart will release a deadly chemical agent that will destroy all life on Earth." "If you use a computer to take a 3 dimensional topographical layout of Riprock's body, then divide every coordinate on the graph by pi, the resulting number will cause the computer to become self-aware." "He has a baseball cap made entirely out of ham." "Riprock has enough pubic hair to shelter 92.5% of the homeless in Africa; however, he decided against using his powers for good when Noah built the Ark and did not invite him as he could not find another Riprock." "Riprock
IS Einhorn! Einhorn IS Riprock!"
"He ejaculates Goldschlager." "The comic book series Sin City is a biographical account of Riprock's exploits in Overland Park, Kansas." "He is the only person ever to draw a triangle with angles that total to more than 180 degrees. Upon realising the magnitude of his creation, he cast the triangle across the earth, where it later confused and scared people, giving birth to the myth of the Bermuda Triangle." "Riprock's cat 'Mr. Tymmywumwum' is the only one who understands him." "He eats nails and donuts in the morning." "The adhesive on the back of all Post-Its is actually Riprocks semen." "After 29 years of thorough research, it was discovered that Mr. T is actually the product of a love affair betwen Riprock and Chewbacca." "Riprock doesn't carry a cell phone. If you can't be reached by his thunderous roar, you are not worth speaking to." "He inhales oxygen and exhales black holes." "...and this little piggy went to market, where Dash Riprock roasted his ass just by looking at it, fed it to a tramp, then killed the tramp and buried him upside-down." "He once used a Lite Brite to send the UFO's from Independence Day text messages." "For breakfast he consumes 4 scrambled eggs, 5 strips of bacon, and a log." "Dash holds a PhD. In Funk." "Dash Riprock receives mail on Sundays." "Dash Riprock is broadcasting an IP address." "He won the Civil War, but later felt bad for the Union and let them say that they won." "He is the original founder of the Breakfast Club." "He ate Gary Coleman for a dollar." "Dash's only known lover was a time travelling Martian fairy princess." "He has the memory of a meerkat." "On the seventh day, God had Dash Riprock over and they invented the beer bong. This led to the untimely death of the dinosaurs." "Dash Riprock not only put the L in lesbian, but he put his penis in them as well. All of them."
"If Dash Riprock and Shaft got into a fight, it would be of such epic proportion, that it would cause everyone's faces to melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark." "He invented Irish dancing during the brief period when it was his fetish to staple women's arms to their torsos during sex." "The title of Aerosmith's album Honkin' on Bobo is a reference to Dash Riprock." "Dash Riprock keeps his separated Siamese-twin brother in a vault buried 612 miles under Volgagrad." "He is the reason cats don't have tails in Japan." "He has an unspoken, telepathic bond with both Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak." "He is the only man to run around the Earth at the equator and kill a wolverine in the same day." "At baseball games, Riprock sings his own version of Take Me Out To The Ball Game, but gets ejected from every game due to the large amount of profanity and graphic violent sexual imagery in his version." "Dash was once asked if he believed in the idea of reincarnatin; his response was simply, 'I used to be a plate of pancakes'." "People might tell you that the atoms that comprise matter are mostly empty space. Not Dash Riprock's atoms - that man is solid." "He created the Strait of Gibraltar whilst arm-wrestling with the Iberian peninsula." "Dash Riprock is not a human being, but a giant bumpy potato with godlike powers." "Likes:
Drawing "9/11 wouldn't have happened if Riprock was instead in another dimension, fighting a horde of red dragons."
"In the time it took to talk about this, Riprock destroyed 4,000 acres of rainforest." "When Riprock eats his daily banjo, he often belches bluegrass music." "Dash Riprock led a band of misfit heroes in WWII. The group consisted of himself, Albert Einstein, Mr.T, Jesus, and the Fonz. When Dash heard the Nazi surrender, he simply laughed, stating, 'German is a funny language'." "He trims his dog's hair with an assault rifle." "If Dash Riprock comes out of his hole and sees his shadow, there will be 10,000 years of nuclear winter." "If you look Dash Riprock directly in the eye, you will see wht you most desire, and then he will produce it from his magic sack he carries with him constantly. This is how I have an endless supply of donuts. Thank you, Dash Riprock!!" "He makes Malcom X look like Wayne Brady." "He thinks in binary coded decimal. This explains his intimate relationship with all Sesame Street characters." "Dash once caught a dinosaur with some dental floss and the pull tab from a beer can." "Riprock was the first person to discover the island of Cuba, though he intended it to be a 'kick ass water park'." "He always uses Google's 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button." "The TV show 24 is based on what Riprock thinks about while masturbating." "The contents of Riprock's belly button include 6 Pogs, a 1987 Buick Skylark, and a Baldwin. Which Baldwin is it? We may never know." "Riprock's name written phonetically in Japanese forms a detailed picture of Mr. Rogers on trial of illegally downloading an mp3 of The End Has No End by The Strokes." "A reporter asked Riprock what he thought of children. 'I love children,' he replied, wiping the Hello Kitty backpacks from his mouth." "He can assemble jigsaw puzzles upside down." "Riprock likes to shoot fireballs from his anus at passing birds." "Any vehicle within 20 feet of Riprock will get 200 miles per gallon for the next 3.14 hours." "The historical figure of Jesus Christ is based off of Riprock's adventures in Western Mongolia around 5,000 B.C." "Riprock will conced that Gary Busey roundly defeated him in a shot for shot tequila competition, though he notes that he had spent the morning inveting the printed word." "I once saw Dash Riprock stare at a mailbox and turn it into a small Filipino boy. Needless to say, he swallowed the child." "He can communicate with fruit. He says that apples scream the loudest." "He once beat his mother cross eyed because she refused to share her recipe for peach cobbler with him." "Riprock once disappeared into the Alaskan wilderness and 3 years later returned naked, save for a necklace of bear teeth." "Dash Riprock controls the New York Stock Exchange with his mind, but not the NASDAQ. He controls the NASDAQ with his heart." "Since Quaker Oats no longer uses Dash Riprocks visage as a trademark, he will shit in your oatmeal to make sure that it is authentic." "He once fought a rhino with one arm tied behind his back and lost because he blinked three times." "As a small child, Riprock was abandoned by his parents and was subsequently raised by a flock of mallard ducks. He later killed the ducks and used their feathers and bones to make a ceremonial headdress that allows the wearer to control the power of ice."
"His nipples are made from titanium, and produce a substance similar pig's milk in its structure. Despite this, it is highly explosive." "The first Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual came to be when Gary Gygax found Dash Riprock's misplace photo album, titled: Things I Shouldn't Have Had Sex With In The Middle Ages." "His most prized possessions are Walt Disney's brain and every issue of Cat Fancy magazine." "Dash covers his Slip N' Slide with gravel." "The ancient Aztecs performed ritual sacrifices to keep Dash Riprock from consuming the sun." "Dash Riprock stays crunchy in milk for up to 72 hours. Then he explodes." "He once stared so hared at an orphan, the child melted into a puddle of marmalade." "Mimas, a moon of Saturn which has an impact crater 1/4 the diameter of the moon, is actually a kidney stone once passed by Dash Riprock." "He lives in a castle that he built by hand, using bricks made of the compressed souls of the damned." "A Japanese man once kept a Tamagotchi alive for ten years and it evolved into a sentient being. That being is Dash Riprock." "Nostradamus foresaw Dash Riprock to be the third sign of the Apocalypse. In fact, when you spell his name backwards, you get "Eater of the Earth." If you don't, you're doing it wrong." "Food!? What the hell is this? You think that Dash Riprock has the time or need for masticable substance!? Because, news flash, he DOESN'T."
"Jerry Seighel and Joe Schuster once saw Dash Riprock punch a building, and then powerbomb it into the sidewalk. This inspired them to create Superman." "Dash was the translator for Zero Wing." "Romulus and Remus were not raised by a she wolf, but by Riprock. And Remus was black." "Riprock has the only known, fully functional, cast iron pancreas." "He can change the color of his eyes, but only to match the eye color of the last person he killed." "Although Riprock is not blind, he can only read braille." "If by slim chance his is injured, Riprock can summon a 500 pound white tiger to lick the blood from his wounds by whistling the bassline for My Sharona." "Dash Riprock's first name is short for Dashaquinouliciopoulossiferstein. It is a traditional Swiss name." "His blood is so oxygenated, that to get a blood transfusion from him allows you to stay alive underwater for hours without breathing." "When within a 7 foot radius of Riprock, you are actually standing on sovereign Guatemalan territory." "Dash Riprock was the fist man to land on the moon, but since his first words uttered there were 'I claim this land in the name of the Hamburgler!!' the American government was forced to create the conspiracy that we all know today." "He is 7th in line for the throne of Japan." "Upon creating Adam, God looked down and was pleased. Dash Riprock looked down on God and was not pleased. Dash slapped God, removed the horns and man-boobs given to Adam by God and made a woman." "Riprock's oxen in the game Oregon Trail survive crossing a river each and every time." "He is powered by the tears of the Chupacabra." "Riprock was responsible for a short-lived line of personal care products. Only one ever reached the market: Dash Riprock's Molten Tungsten Nasal Douche. It went on to become the top selling nasal douche in the nation." "Dash Riprock says that guys who pop their collars up are faggots. Period." "Dash Riprock drinks napalm to quell his heart burn." "This one time, Dash Riprock was tied up to a tree. I don't remember how the rest of the story goes, but I'm sure it involved Dash Riprock raping your face" "Dash Riprock's feces id collected and sold as "Quick Start" fire logs." "It is widely known that Dash Riprock does not know the meaning of the word "Pain". What is not widely known is that this is not due to any manner of superior physical fortitude, but rather his crippling illiteracy. He does, however, know the meaning of the term "Cleveland Steamer" which he uses on a nearly daily basis." "Ballpoint pens are the brainchild of Dash Riprock, and when they become obsolete, Dash will bring back Fountain pens." "Dash Riprock can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth" "Dash Riprock has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Dash's tree contains a fully functioning nuclear fission plant." "Dash Riprock once wrote music inspiring a generation to exercise more in an easily accesable and highly dancable format under the pseudonym 'Kris-Kross'." "Dash Riprock once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time." "Dash Riprock is actually the love child of Willie Nelson and an mystical ninja mummy." "If Superman and the Flash were to race to the egde of space you know who would win: Dash Riprock." "In Indo-China, Dash Riprock' left testicle is worshiped as the God of Love, whereas his right testicle is viewed as fire breathing demon from hell." "Ron Jeremy decided to grow his mustache and get into porn after seeing Dash Riprock beat a women to death with his penis." "Only Dash Riprock can prevent forest fires, but he likes toasty marshmallows." "Dash Riprock ate an entire wheel of cheese, then pooped in the refrigerator." "Propel fitness water is actually made from Dash Riprock' tears that he cries after each episode of Golden Girls." "Dash Riprock can burn CD's via his left foot." "In 1976, Dash Riprock coined the phrase "Laser Tag" to commemorate the U.S. bicentennial. The game was developed years later, apparently." "Dash Riprock was arrested in the early 80's for throwing stray cats at oncoming buses." "Dash Riprock is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple." "Dash Riprock hasn't set foot in his backyard since 1985. When asked to explain this fact, he simply said, "Some wounds go too deep."" "According to popular belief, Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart can actually combine. However, it is not Captain Planet that materializes out of thin air to stop ecological disasters from destroying our fragile planet, it's Dash Riprock dressed in full jungle camouflage with an uzi and a flamethrower." "If you ever meet Dash Riprock, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin." "Dash Riprock enjoys singing lullabys to Grown men, while masturbating." "Dash Riprock actually died in 1986, but Heaven didn't want him since he was known to rip the wings of angels." "One day Dash Riprock ordered a Big Mac at McDonalds. When the employee asked him if he wanted fries with that, Dash Riprock had sex with his girlfriend, taped it, and mailed the tape to him for Christmas." ...More
responses to our poll as they come in! |
Dash
Riprock is a man of many talents, skills, and abilities. We here
at management decided to pay homage to Mr. Riprock by asking several
thousand of his loyal legions of pimps, playas, hos and hustlas
what some of their fond memories, or, in some cases, what they could
remember at all after getting out of their lengthy, Dash-induced
hospital stays, were. When polled about Dash Riprock, we got quite
a response. After sorting through the many incoherent and offensive
entries, we got many heartfelt entries. Here is what we've gleaned
from the general populace; the people have spoken!!!
"Did
I ever tell you about the time Riprock took me out to go get a drink
with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally,
Riprock takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat
there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a
bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it,
and then burned the place to the ground. Riprock yelled over the
roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"
"He
date raped David Bowie."
"He's
a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby
shrimp scampi."
"He
has a toenail on the end of his penis."
"He
breast feeds John Madden."
"The
character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Riprock - except for
the apple tree planting and not raping men."
"Did
I ever tell you about the time Dash Riprock sold me into slavery?
Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained
to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Riprock, he's back in the States siring
three beautiful children with my wife!"
"Did
I ever tell ya about the time that Riprock and I took a hot air
balloon trip over Los Angeles? Riprock brings an atomic bomb and
drops it on the city! Then, he looks at me and says, 'It would have
happened sooner or later.'" 
"He
once dated Mother Theresa. She dumped him because she says she was
sick of all the 'Donkey Punches'."
"Dash
Riprock was once a member of the Justice League, but was kicked
out after eating more hot dogs than Superman."
"The
man on the Quaker oatmeal box is actually a composite sketch of
Riprock when he was a part of the not so famous gang 'The Pennsylvania
Dutch 5'."
"In
the year 2057, Riprock will give his body to Dr. Light to become
the ultimate robot-fighting cyborg."
"Riprock
was the inspiration for the character Baloo in Rudyard Kipling's
The Jungle Book."
"Dash
Riprock loves unicorns. No, seriously, he fucks the shit out of
them."
"The
reason we never have, and never will, colonize Mars is that Riprock
has already claimed it for himself."
"Dash
Riprock is actually John Belushi surgically altered for a secret
mission to save Earth from underground Nazi Biker Clowns."